Dear God, Big Bang explosion or other yet-to-be imagined creator of our physical world,

On this Thanksgiving, we thank you for this wonderful meal that is before us today. I know that it was you, not me, who worked his ass off to earn the money that paid for it. And it was your guiding hand that helped stir the gravy and baste the turkey. And it will be you who eventually help clean the dishes and put everything away. We couldn’t have done any of this without you.

Creator of matter and physics, thank you for putting the primordial goo on this planet that would later evolve into the stuff we have before us. Millions of years later we have a most delicious bird that we call turkey. Cranberry sauce and sweet potatoes are pretty badass too. Science will say that it was eons of evolution that transformed single-cell organisms into giant ecosystems that thrive as a whole. Certain animals are predetermined to enjoy specific foods because it produces outcomes that benefits the ecosystem. Thus my taste buds liking turkey, cranberry sauce and sweet potatoes is as reasonable as a square peg fitting into a square hole. But forget science! You put that goo there, and I thank you for that!

Also thank you, beloved deity, for this family we have today. I stress today because you may remember that since last Thanksgiving, someone close to us departed from this realm and is now somewhere in yours. We get that there is a grand special plan for each of us and that’s why he’s not here to enjoy this meal that you’ve provided. Thank you for making him part of your special plan even though it was months of pain and torture on his body and months more emotional strain on the rest of us. I really can’t wait to see how the rest of this plan unfolds.

Oh special overlord in the sky, thank you for putting my consciousness into this European-descended body. You put me on the winning team of a cruel and inhuman battle that took place on this continent many years ago. My guys duped the Indians into teaching them how to live on this land, and then they took it right out from underneath them. Thank you for giving us this yearly reminder of the one last decent memory Indians had of us white folks.

Thank you all-knowing being for sharing your insights. You know how and when every event will occur, yet you never give any helpful hints. Why not tell me last Thanksgiving that the Packers would eventually win the Superbowl? The odds were like 40-1 at that time. It really would have helped out around here (especially with the funeral expenses that surprisingly fell on my shoulders). And thank you for your sense of humor when you answered my prayers for advice and then gave me the Colts as this year’s Super Bowl champ. At 0-10, I’m still waiting for them to make their move.

So in the coming year, please continue to be your marvelous self. Take the hard-earned credit when we succeed, and stay a wallflower when things don’t go so great. Let us know when we do wrong, but don’t let us know anything else that can substantially improve our life (gambling tips). And take whoever else you’d like. I know we’ll be sad and mopey for a few weeks or months, but I’m certain they’ll be in a better place.

Happy Thanksgiving!


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