Living in Connecticut, I have a few choices for my grocery shopping. There is Price Chopper, Shop-Rite, Big Y and Stop & Shop. I use Stop & Shop more often than the others, not because of quality, prices or customer service, but because of proximity. But I’m about to drive a little further to get my goods.
These fuckers are succumbing to the wishes and loud mouths of the One Million Moms group, a Mississippi-based organization whose mission it is to abolish fun. You see, these bitches don’t want Ben & Jerry to sell their new flavor, Schweddy Balls, in stores where kids can see it. Balls, as you may know, are spherical objects that can be found in playgrounds, kids’ rooms, and just about anywhere. Schweddy Balls are fudge-covered rum and malt balls in vanilla ice cream. So what’s their reason? “We don’t want the envelope to continue to be pushed,” spokescunt Monica Cole said. “I realize it could be a lot worse, but are they going to progressively get worse if we don’t say something? Maybe they’ll think twice before they come up with another inappropriate name for ice cream.”
So “Schweddy Balls” isn’t bad but you are putting pressure on supermarket chains to remove it from their stores? Sure, the Schweddy Balls sketch that aired on SNL 13 years ago was laced with innuendo. But only a person who watched that sketch would associate it with anything sexual. What kid has seen that? Shouldn’t the Schweddy Balls title be considered as innocuous as “malt balls”? Should we be taking Whoppers off the shelves too?
Ben and Jerry’s has a long tradition of fun names for their ice cream. Their musical tributes are always a delight and names like Chunky Monkey and Chubby Hubby are commonplace in the frozen food section. They also have delved into the nod-and-a-wink department with their Clusterfluff flavor a few years back. This sense of humor shouldn’t come as a surprise all of sudden.
So Stop & Shop (and any other chain that may be considering the removal of Schweddy Balls from its shelves), please do free-speech and comedy a favor and keep this flavor in your store. One Million Moms, please find something else to do. Schweddy Balls is a tribute to a funny piece of pop culture that shouldn’t draw the ire of you bored crusaders. Just remember, it could have been a lot worse. They could have used the sketch “Colonel Angus” as their inspiration.