I just loves sharks and Shark Week on Discovery Channel was awesome! I’ve tuned in on year’s past, but didn’t watch it nearly as much as I did this year. One gem of a show that I found was called Shark Attack Survival Guide. Its host, Terry Schappert is an absolute lunatic. Terry is a US Army Special Force soldier, a medical sergeant, and in his spare time, a martial artist. So he uses this applicable expertise to help us survive during a shark attack.

Here are some lessons learned:

1. If your boat explodes, be sure to have the calm and collectiveness to grab a cooler (to float on), a water bottle (not for drinking, but for goggles), and a weapon. That way, if sharks show up, you can battle them.

2. If a shark bites you, you need to know what to do.

  • First, remove yourself from the situation (assuming you have limbs to do so).
  • Secondly, stop the bleeding (“Clot, dammit. Clot!”).
  • Thirdly, check for other wounds. (“How many feet am I supposed to have?”)
  • Finally, reassure the victim. Uhh… wait a second. I thought this was a survival guide? What if no one is there to help me? Am I fucked? Yeah, pretty much.

I guess the tips given here are from the experience Terry had battling sharks in the deserts of Afghanistan.

3. If you are in a tug-of-war with a shark (What?), you should have something sharp to cut yourself free, because you will lose. Terry demonstrates by having a tug-of-war with a shark. He baits one with a chunk of meat at the end of a rope. Terry is on the other end of the rope. How does this test of survival apply? Oh, if a shark has me by one of my limbs? OK. Thank you for all the info about cutting myself free.

A pop-up message does appear at one point to let you know that if a shark should grab you, you should punch and gouge its eyes and/or gills to set you free. Why didn’t Terry submit himself to this test?

4. If a shark should somehow get inside your diving cage, you need to firmly guide him out. You know, because you are strong and there is always a shark-sized hole available in your cage.

5. In an attempt to see what sounds attract sharks, the show went through a battery of tests:  banging a paddle on the water, metal on metal, and then crinkling a plastic bottle. The revelation was that the bottle attracts sharks, not the glazed-over fact that there was blood and chum in the water. Nope, it was the crinkling noise.

At times during this show, I was asking myself why it wasn’t called “Fucking with Sharks.” The host put himself in the water just to irritate these creatures. No wonder why some of these sharks come to the shores and bite people. The ones they meet out at sea are a bunch of assholes.

While sharks might not agree, Terry Schappert needs to be on television more. Really. The guy is a combination of Henry Rollins, Steve Irwin, and Gary Busey. Any guy who lives his everyday life like he’s in active combat, is a joy to watch. I can see him do a whole series about surviving. “Here are few items you will need if you encounter a lion in a grocery store…” It would be tremendous television.

Here’s to you, Terry Schappert, my Shark Week best-of champion guy!


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