Dear Indianapolis Colts,

You just fired your head coach, Jim Caldwell, after three uneven seasons at the helm. With Peyton Manning returning from neck surgery and the potential of having Andrew Luck as the franchise’s future QB, an idiot would be able to coach your team into the playoffs. I would like to make a case for this idiot, me, Pat Mallon.

I don’t know how you start your coaching search. I’m sure you put feelers out ┬áto agents and maybe put an ad on craigslist. But I’m asking you to take a shot at a different approach.

I am a young “up-and-comer” who can breathe some life into your organization. All I have to do is win 3 games and I’m turning things around? Uh yeah, I think I can do that.

You know how good I am at Madden? Real good. And it’s all in the play calling. If I didn’t have to use my hands, I’d be even better! So there is some proof right there that I’m a good fit.

If you want to compare me to the departed coach, here are some reasons I think I would be an improvement:

  1. I am sentient of where I am at all times. For three seasons, Jim Caldwell looked like he was haplessly wandering the sidelines and confused by the flashes of color and light that moved out on the field. If I were to take over, at any time I would be able to  tell you a) where I am, b) what is happening, c) how I got there.
  2. Secondly, I will not require much money. Give me half of what Caldwell was making. No, give me half of what the least-paid coach is making and I will be happy. Use the money you save to keep Peyton Manning and Andrew Luck on the same roster.
  3. I will not pretend to have any control over the offense. Let Peyton Manning do that. He doesn’t listen anyway.
  4. I will show emotion by cheering on great plays and yelling when people fuck up.

Some other awesome things that I would implement more of:

  1. 4th and less than 2, between the 30’s? Always go for it. (It’ll be exciting).
  2. I will not answer dumb questions at press conferences.
  3. I will not hold a stupid piece of paper over my mouth when calling plays.
  4. I will always try to run up the score (it’s a Madden thing).
  5. I will implement the use of “the annexation of Puerto Rico.”
  6. I will draw up plays that use BOTH Manning and Luck at the same time. (Oooo, interesting, ain’t it?)
  7. Pasta dinners every Saturday night.

I hope you are willing to think outside the box a little. Finding a proven coach is going to take a lot of time. But if you hand the keys over to me, you can move onto doing other things.

Thank you for the consideration,

Pat Mallon


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